JOYCE

♥ FAVORITE VERSE:
5 I trust your love,
and I feel like celebrating because you have rescued me.
Psalms 13:5 (CEV)

♥ TESTIMONY:
For the past 16 years of my life, I have believed that I am a socially awkward person. (Yes, since the day I was born - okay, not quite). Well, people either laugh or are completely incredulous when I recount how I used to feel about myself, and I would respond the same way today. But just 2 years ago, things were quite different. Not only did I see myself as socially awkward, but I also believed that I was ugly and unexciting. Going into my final year of junior high, I was excited to make it the best year possible and have fun with friends. Little did I expect, I ended up being in classes and the lunch period that none of my close friends were in. Within the first month, I was so discouraged, that I didn't try to make any friends, while everyone else seemed to be having the time of their lives with their friends, and away went any motivation or opportunity to be social. My dad has always told me this quote by Eric Edgar Cooke: "You are the product of your choice, not the product of your circumstance."

Instead of living my life by my own choices, I succumbed to my circumstances. I decided that my unattractiveness and unappealing personality were the cause of my loneliness. I chose to believe that people saw me in the same hateful way that I did. And thinking that no one would accept me, it only spurred me on in a vicious cycle to believe that I was altogether undesirable. I ate up the lies so much so that I couldn't even enjoy Christmas, my all-time favorite holiday by a long run. Instead of rejoicing in remembrance of Jesus' beautifully humbling birth, I was drowning in the grips of Satan's ugly and destructive deceit. On a beautifully starry night, after the Christmas Eve Service, all I could think was how Jesus came on this Earth quietly and beheld lovingly, and how no one would notice if I just quietly disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Everyday at school my mission was just to blend in, in a community of people who all seemed to have close friends. Church was no better. Because I hid behind my self-debilitating thoughts and put on the smiles that everyone else seemed to have, no one ever knew I saw myself as worthless. Without a friend by my side, I avoided eye contact with people, because I believed that other people pitied me as I pitied myself. Wednesday nights were the best and the worst. At the time, my small group had become too large and subsequently had to split. Consequently, each week I was usually the only one to attend Grouplife. With my two spectacular leaders, Chloe and Kristen, I tackled my issues with believing whether God was even there anymore or if he even existed at all. But Chloe reminded me that God is not based on a feeling, but a belief and conviction and trust that overpowers all fleeting feelings and rids all room for doubt. Whether or not my small group girls were there, my two leaders were always available to encourage and strengthen and boost my spirits. But without the other girl's to be there with me in a social situation, the reality of my loneliness consumed me again, and stunted my growth with Jesus to a stand still. I also participated in Student Leadership, but "participated" would be an overstatement, because it would be more accurate to say that I never opened up my heart to Jesus' potential to work in my life and never even gave myself a chance to see beauty.

Needless to say, if I had let someone know the pain I caused myself, they surely would have encouraged me to healing much quicker. I have always been around supportive and loving people, but I closed myself up so much that I couldn't get close enough to anyone to feel comfortable to tell them. Although I was so sad on the inside, every time I had the chance to meet someone new or talk to someone I really was happy and excited, because as much as I closed myself off from people I loved being able to make someone else happy. It seemed that only when other people accepted me, I could accept myself. The lies I told myself made me put other people's happiness over my own. But the innate love I had of seeing others smile made me discover something.

A little more than two years after my episode of depression, I joined Overlake Student Ministry's Welcome Team. At first I just kind of wanted to try it out, but after the first time I got to stand at the door and greet people and meet people for a purpose, I couldn't get enough of it. This group was where I belonged. Maybe it was because, for too long I'd been apart of the church but hadn't internally felt welcome, and maybe it's because after feeling like a loner for so long I couldn't help but notice the lonely and want to help them; but whatever the case, I felt natural and happy in a position of simply welcoming people and seeing them smile. Meeting and interacting with new people on a regular basis also raised me to a higher level of confidence in myself. It's almost funny how God can use a past weakness to become a future strength, and how overcoming pain can lead to helping others do the same. More than ever, I felt like I really belonged and was significant among people.

Along the way of recovery, I'd found some happiness, especially from other people's approval, but once I truly understood Jesus' approval, my joy skyrocketed to say the least. At the Student Leader meeting of January 2011, we talked about the Gospel and how we would explain it to someone if they asked. The Gospel is what it is, but it means different things to different people based on their lives, and in this simple meeting, I realized something that changed my life. I discovered what what the Gospel meant to me specifically and how absolutely significant it was to my life. Usually I hear testimonies about lives of major repentance from worldly things, and I love them. What's more, people always say Jesus came down for the sinners: the party-ers, the drug-doers, the impure. But often, we seem to forget that Jesus also came for those who were broken in other ways: the quiet, the lonely, the ones who feel worthless and pity no one else but themselves - the people that society forgets to notice. I believe that we are all slaves to sin and to sadness, and Jesus has freed us from that brokenness. He redeems us from our unworthiness of him, because in his eyes there is beauty in the broken. Our weaknesses are made strong in him! And after the meeting that day, I felt this unusual sense of strength and conviction that God gave me, in which I finally felt that I could speak God's truth and boldly say what I wanted to. Instead of having to plan out every sentence I spoke to people, instead of being afraid of saying something uninteresting, instead of subconsciously fearing evangelism, I for once felt like I could speak freely and fearlessly. And it was the greatest feeling of freedom I'd felt.

From there on out things only got better. Overlake's winter retreat to Leavenworth happened a few weeks later. In that time, I'd meet several new people who would be crucial and influential in catalyzing my change to be socially confident and satisfied. Reunited, my small group became more important and close to me than I ever imagined they could be. God is so freaking good, and I owe it all to him to be this joyful. It really took me almost 17 years to finally feel comfortable in my own skin and accept that I could be influential to others. And I finally believe that God made me someone beautiful and inherently useful, it's just a shame that it took me so long to realize His abounding love, acceptance, and incredible plans for my future.
3.26.11